phewAugust 10, 2007
I’m feeling loads better. I slept for England last night and it seems to have fought off the worst of what was ailing me. I’m still not sure i’m going to make it to ANY parties at all this evening but it is just typical that we don’t go out for MONTHS and two come along on the same night.
One really really good thing, I tried on my ball gown this morning, just checking in case I want to shimmy on in to it later. It fits. yes. really. When I first wore it, it was tight. over 5 years ago. Over all its looser than it ever was. I was shocked. I went and weighed myself and even more of a shock I’m a full 1.5Lb’s lighter than I think I can ever remember. I’ve been big (well what I call big) since I left school and college. I’ve been a good 7Lb’s heavier than I am now. That’s the largest I’ve been. Plus there is no way on this earth I’m going to publish my exact weight. It does bug me sometimes. I like who I am and what I am, I just find it hard when people say (ie my mum) surely you will feel better thinner, you’d be healthier and it would be better for my health long term. Maybe you can tell by now its not something I discuss often with anyone.
Thing is the only time in my life I was thin I ate little or nothing in the day, I did LOADS of exercise and generally did not look after myself. Then I had anemia and was thrown on the pill by the doctor at 16. I think that is where it all started going wrong. That and a life long love of food. I eat sensibly, I could exercise more but don’t and over all I am usually quite happy. I’ve had people rip in to me through out my life about my “cuddliness” (specifically chosen as not as threatening as other words used) and there is no defence for it. It hurts, its nasty and why should I have to defend myself? why should I have to listen to anyone saying I NEED to do something about it because they think I’m not suitable for their oh so sensitive perfections of being. Of course we know these sorts people are not perfect and have no right to judge but hey if they want a pedestal to stand on to shout at others from I’ll gladly knock them down when they wobble. I’ve been judged before on many counts and honestly I’ve come back stronger and quicker and more astute for it.
I’ll suffer the heart disease, the cancer threat, the risk of diabetes and any other health risks. You don’t have to look at me, the jibes can stop now and I can promise I’ll be who I want to be no matter what other people have said about me in the past. Life is here to be enjoyed and damn it I’m going to. I’m not worried about being famous or remembered or something special. I’m a helper a facilitator and a cog in the wheel of other peoples lives trying to make theirs easier and more enjoyable. I don’t want much, never have, just seeing people I care about happy is good for me.
It would be nice in my last few moments to go “cor! that was good”. Not much to ask, and so far it is. Simple really. Nobody can take that.