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going deep and soul searching

February 1, 2008

its all fine. We’re still both working and we are coping with it all. I keep doing things like giving a dog tied to a lamp post 3 minutes of my undivided attention just so I have something to scritch and stroke. It might seem a bit strange to passers by but really what does that matter, it eases my heart.

I’ve been talking about friends cats as much as possible so I get to be near one by proxy. I’ve got a feeling we ain’t going to last long without a furry friend. Erasmus was always tolerant of visitors of any species, not that we had many. When he did meet other cats it was never him doing the hissing. There is also no way on earth that we are getting rid of all of our cat stuff. There is tons of it but I am sure we will house another cat or maybe two again in the not too distant future. Its just whether we can wait until after we are married so that we don’t have to worry about things like catteries for the duration of our honeymoon.

Seriously though next on the plans is getting the wedding sorted out. WE meaning me and him need a deep long and meaningful about it all. We both need to know what the other is doing, completing a time line and getting myself organized to a point that I wont be worrying about getting stuff done because its not the time and place to be doing it.

One thing I must do is thank everyone for their support. Between here, facebook and flickr we’ve had more heart felt words than one could fit in our hearts. The love is almost palpable via the screen and we do thoroughly appreciate your support. I’m just touched at how many lives a fluff ball can entangle, I do know every single person who met him loved him not for his catness, but for his instant acceptance of them. I think I’ll never know any animal or being quite like him ever again but I am very proud to have been someone special his life.

Thing is, I’ve hardly cried, yes the odd out burst on my own but I’ve held it together for those who think, ah well it was just a cat. I’m a philosophical one most of the time. My mum knows this because when I was 6 my grandfather died and I told her whilst she was grieving that he’s gone to a better place. He’s not in pain any more and its what HE needed. The same goes here, I have that feeling deep inside that his soul has departed. Its not suffering. Nobody knows how or where these things go but we all have a shelf life and all move on eventually. Maybe believing in Karma and re-incarnation helps but still I don’t want to know where or why I just have a heart felt deep understanding that is allowing me to release him and let him go.

The name of this blog has changed a little. I’m no longer the Erasmamum. Understandable as he’s not here no more. Instead I’m a soul in transit just like everyone else is and just like he is. Its partly why I gave myself the nickname jiva many years ago now. I’ll always be a soul in transit and aware of it. The point is to rise above pain and every day grind and accept what comes and appreciate that it may not be what you want but its what must happen. Tough at the best of times although things like this make it stand out.

Anyway, love it or hate it this is how I am. I’ve been knocked for it in the past, its made me stronger. I do understand that many others will not agree, although from what I have seen they have not been as happy or lucky as I am.

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