new beginnings… as guru says.May 9, 2008
Now, I’m still itchy BUT and this is a really nice big but. (looks at own derriere)
Writing things down has helped. I’m amazed how much too. The thing is when I’m lost in self absorbed pity and hate its one thing after another attacking you internally, mentally and physically. The mental I’m sure some of you will understand the self doubt and irritation at how you are personally dealing with what is thrown at you. The physical is the pressure put upon yourself to not be like this and it makes it worse. Muscles tighten, the ability to calm down and take it all in fails and it leads to tension and headaches all stemming from my bad shoulders and being wound up like a spring. I’m my own worst enemy.
There were two turning points last night.
1, My “guru” (read old friend) posted something to make me stop and think. Its what they do. Erudite comments at just the right moment to stop and make you take stock and realise what needs to be done. See here on new beginnings. One thing I know is to try not to get bogged down in what is called Maya, attachment to the physical being and frustrations there in. Its a difficult thing to do at the best of times but this reminder coupled with kripamoya’s elucidation on new beginnings I stopped in my tracks, wound myself down and started again. I tried my best to create a break point in my annoyances and relax and let it all go.
2, I re-read my post. I quite often do this and I’m really amazed at how much I leave up because I believe it is my heart felt comments on my situation. Its very self indulgent but it is needed to fully understand what is making me tick and learning how to accept myself. On re-read I started to understand why my concious thoughts were doing what they were doing. A constant irritation of several types is bound to wind you up. Lack of positive stimuli and the pile on of frustrations would make MOST people feel like that. I had every right to be all of those things I described so there was absolutely no point in telling myself to stop being so stupid.
and then it stopped. I got home from work, sat out in the back garden and glued down a pile of wedding invites. Started writing out cards and putting them in envelopes. I was going to bring them to work today but I forgot, this does not bother me like lunch did yesterday. I got in some knit time which means the socks are still coming along even though they are behind, who cares when they are done, its too hot for socks now anyway.
One small annoyance.. I got home to find the builders had moved some earth around and managed to dig up a nice trench along the boundary of my land. Now this would be ok if the house was built on enough land for me to get my car in and out of the garrage but it is not. They basically made sure I could not get my car out and parked the digger way too close. I had words with them this morning requesting certain things be done. If they are not I will be contacting them again this evening. They seemed nice enough about it.
I chatted to mum about weddingy stuffs, now nothing is better than a good old yak with me ma. I love her and she’s still coping better than I would expect anyone to do with chemotherapy. This was therapeutic in itself.
One last thing
I saw this and although this Siamese is female, this was very much like the conversations we had with Erasmus. Alaska is very very special and I just wanted you all to know how very interactive having a cat is and how they can easily make it known what they want to do and you will not stop them. This is a fine example of the loveliness of pets. I never want to be without a pet.