Total honesty.July 17, 2008
I’ve been hesitating at writing this post. Its a difficult one to write. I’d like to fill it with frivolities but sorry I cant. I do have a lot on my mind and those who read often know I have a trying time ahead. Not just the wedding, this is about mum. If you don’t want to end up in tears or deeply upset by my honesty and hers please go read something else and come back when I eventually can fill this blog with cat or knitting content.
Mum called on Tuesday night, she had some fresh results back. The cancer has spread to many parts of her body including her brain. Our chat then was reasonably brief. Mum had an appointment with McMillan care and they have been through what needs to be done. Because of these changes mum is now back on chemotherapy and much thanks to the McMillan care, they and her doctors have secured her a drug which is usually used for ovarian cancers which will hopefully ease things for her. They have also booked her in for radio therapy on a part of her neck that is causing discomfort and radio therapy for the brain as soon after the wedding. The reality hit, its not will they ever cure it any more. It never really was. Now it is how long she has left and making that time quality time and as enjoyable as possible.
Mum has been totally and completely honest with me, my brother and my sister. Both my parents have gone through the decision making process for what is entailed in mums imminent future, care and support have been arranged. They are very glad to have this option, I am also as supportive as possible and the one thing it has done is bring our family even closer together. We all know what is coming, it is slightly comforting to have knowledge of what is coming. It is also heart rending and worrying and very very scary to hear the treatments mum is having to go through. Morning injections, struggling for breath, watching her body deteriorate and give up on her as she remains fully cognisant and still very sharp of mind. She may rattle with drugs but she is still able to slowly sew my bolero for my wedding day. She wants to, she needs to and it is another thing to keep her going. We are all trying to ease her burden but some things are to her achievable and to be supported.
Last night we spoke again and she was breathless but sounded upbeat because she has full choice of her actions in to her last months. I fully appreciate her honesty and it is nice to be able to show her my full love without any boundaries whilst discussing the eventful future. Yes it has upset me and yesterday was one of the hardest days at work I have ever had to deal with. Telling people in my office because I feel like I need to share and also it means some point soon I will want and have to take some compassionate leave, I feel better for discussing it and making them aware of why I will be up and down. I’ve not told everybody but I have been honest and responsible with sharing.
The chat last night helped calm me and make me understand that we are all doing everything we can to be everything she could ever have wished for in a family, as her children, and as loved ones. Still no matter what they do to her body she is happy, she says shes had a charmed life and is very grateful for what has been given to her, and she will fight for every last second of joy that can be bestowed upon her. I support her in this and will sing her praises for her amazing strength in dealing with the cards given to her and dad, I will never forget my wonderful very loving dad who is her rock in all storms.