Archive for November 19th, 2008

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smelling pisstakes

November 19, 2008

I often spell things wrong. Not just when typing and having what I call a finger malfunction.I regularly cannot think properly how a word is put together. The below is an example of the keyboard mashing technique that put quite a smile on my face:

kind retards

Thank god I spotted that one before I sent it at work.

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mental or menthol

November 19, 2008

Apologies, heavy moaning and groaning ahead.

quietness has its reasons. The past week or even two or maybe right back to August I’ve been struggling. Feeling low and down and wanting to hide in a cuddly ball on the sofa safe with my knitting, my cats and even occasionally my husband.

I really don’t feel like I’ve dealt with anything yet. Days pass by and I’m lost under a cloud of just getting things done and getting home and mooching. Feeling completely useless, lost and seeing no point in going out or achieving much. Its not a nice place to be because once I get in one of these places I tend to beat myself up about it. The reason I’ve been like this are two fold. ONE: yesterday was my mums birthday. I thought I could handle it but I rather did not. The other thing conspired against me so I took the afternoon off as holiday and headed back to my sofa hole to be supported by cat therapy. TWO: The pill. Playing about with your hormones is no fun ok. So if you want to take the pill remember your rational mind just may take a great big holiday and leave you lost in a darkened pit of despair. I’ve lost a lot of the nicer side of me, or at least it feels like I have. Constantly worrying can I cope each day with just the emotional strain of talking to my family, friends or even just chilling on the sofa trying not to let the nice little voices in my head go round in circles telling me off for being worried, then whacking me with a prime bout of PMT or stomach cramps that are bigger and more painful than they ever where. Add on to that I’ve been taking a chart of when my periods are, they have become more frequent, less predictable, heavier and just garhgh.  Could I say any more to prove why I feel a complete mess?

Anyway, because of messness, I did spend the entire** weekend holed up on the sofa yet again enjoying watching Scotty play fallout 3 and knitting studiously. This is at least the one outlet I am able to achieve and thankfully it mostly stills my mind taking at least one portion of it to concentrate leaving me with another portion to reason things out instead of being completely nutso. Believe me I’ve tried chanting again at times and even that is not working at the moment. This also means I nearly have a finished pair of yoga socks and I’m nearly half way through dad’s scarf which will take 3 times longer than a normal scarf… why did I do it?
**ok I did achieve one thing. I cooked enough propper indian curry for two days worth of food.

Last night after struggling with all of the above I moved early on to the new pill the doctor gave me. No way I am living through a further 12 days of depression and anxiety which may be partly due to the pill (i’m on my 4th month of the stuff). If this one does not work I’m just going to go back to normal and stop messing about with my hormones. This is mainly for my notes but the old pill was Micronor and the new pill is Cerazette. They both do different things and I am aware of how they go about them. I just hope I’m not causing damage playing around with my mental and physical being to be able to do *things* (*ahem* you know) only to find it kills all feelings for that sort of thing, which is so not what a newlywed wants.

I find the biggest release is recognising the problem and just accepting it. Like yesterday, sometimes its ok to give up and go home and just wallow, the thing is, where is too much? where do I stop beating myself up? how do I find just the right way to deal with it all and be happy that I have, happy that I’m me and happy with the love I have, which I should be. I’m surrounded by a loving husband and family that I struggle to talk to. I adore them all but barely show it, I struggle to communicate it in any way but of giving them home made gifts and food. The issues of giving each other support but not bogging yourself down is a very very difficult line and I’m no where near finding any answers. I’m not sure if we’re all just a bit too tight lipped about it all and none of us have faced up to the fact we all have problems dealing with loss and adjusting. The stress of it all wears me out and I’m just hoping that getting it all down here is going to help in some small way. If not for me, or my family but for others who now know they are not the only ones out there who cant get that smile, don’t feel like they can relax and be honestly happy. I’m still happy little me inside, she’s just locked away deep right now and wants to come out and play but has lost her way and is sitting there crying for her mummy.

Please feel free to make comment but do be aware this has upset me writing this, no more though than dealing with it in any other way. These things are something we all go through, well at least death of people close to you is.