h1

mental or menthol

November 19, 2008

Apologies, heavy moaning and groaning ahead.

quietness has its reasons. The past week or even two or maybe right back to August I’ve been struggling. Feeling low and down and wanting to hide in a cuddly ball on the sofa safe with my knitting, my cats and even occasionally my husband.

I really don’t feel like I’ve dealt with anything yet. Days pass by and I’m lost under a cloud of just getting things done and getting home and mooching. Feeling completely useless, lost and seeing no point in going out or achieving much. Its not a nice place to be because once I get in one of these places I tend to beat myself up about it. The reason I’ve been like this are two fold. ONE: yesterday was my mums birthday. I thought I could handle it but I rather did not. The other thing conspired against me so I took the afternoon off as holiday and headed back to my sofa hole to be supported by cat therapy. TWO: The pill. Playing about with your hormones is no fun ok. So if you want to take the pill remember your rational mind just may take a great big holiday and leave you lost in a darkened pit of despair. I’ve lost a lot of the nicer side of me, or at least it feels like I have. Constantly worrying can I cope each day with just the emotional strain of talking to my family, friends or even just chilling on the sofa trying not to let the nice little voices in my head go round in circles telling me off for being worried, then whacking me with a prime bout of PMT or stomach cramps that are bigger and more painful than they ever where. Add on to that I’ve been taking a chart of when my periods are, they have become more frequent, less predictable, heavier and just garhgh.  Could I say any more to prove why I feel a complete mess?

Anyway, because of messness, I did spend the entire** weekend holed up on the sofa yet again enjoying watching Scotty play fallout 3 and knitting studiously. This is at least the one outlet I am able to achieve and thankfully it mostly stills my mind taking at least one portion of it to concentrate leaving me with another portion to reason things out instead of being completely nutso. Believe me I’ve tried chanting again at times and even that is not working at the moment. This also means I nearly have a finished pair of yoga socks and I’m nearly half way through dad’s scarf which will take 3 times longer than a normal scarf… why did I do it?
**ok I did achieve one thing. I cooked enough propper indian curry for two days worth of food.

Last night after struggling with all of the above I moved early on to the new pill the doctor gave me. No way I am living through a further 12 days of depression and anxiety which may be partly due to the pill (i’m on my 4th month of the stuff). If this one does not work I’m just going to go back to normal and stop messing about with my hormones. This is mainly for my notes but the old pill was Micronor and the new pill is Cerazette. They both do different things and I am aware of how they go about them. I just hope I’m not causing damage playing around with my mental and physical being to be able to do *things* (*ahem* you know) only to find it kills all feelings for that sort of thing, which is so not what a newlywed wants.

I find the biggest release is recognising the problem and just accepting it. Like yesterday, sometimes its ok to give up and go home and just wallow, the thing is, where is too much? where do I stop beating myself up? how do I find just the right way to deal with it all and be happy that I have, happy that I’m me and happy with the love I have, which I should be. I’m surrounded by a loving husband and family that I struggle to talk to. I adore them all but barely show it, I struggle to communicate it in any way but of giving them home made gifts and food. The issues of giving each other support but not bogging yourself down is a very very difficult line and I’m no where near finding any answers. I’m not sure if we’re all just a bit too tight lipped about it all and none of us have faced up to the fact we all have problems dealing with loss and adjusting. The stress of it all wears me out and I’m just hoping that getting it all down here is going to help in some small way. If not for me, or my family but for others who now know they are not the only ones out there who cant get that smile, don’t feel like they can relax and be honestly happy. I’m still happy little me inside, she’s just locked away deep right now and wants to come out and play but has lost her way and is sitting there crying for her mummy.

Please feel free to make comment but do be aware this has upset me writing this, no more though than dealing with it in any other way. These things are something we all go through, well at least death of people close to you is.

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3 comments

  1. Katie (my wife) has had a lot of troubles with her pill and will definitely attest to the fact she prefers not being on it. I hope that you can find what works for you and that you keep your head up, you’ve had a lot going on in your life and I think you are dealing with it admirably.


  2. I’m a big Cerazette fan – after trying (with dramatically unsuccessful results) three other pills, I finally was prescribed Cerazette three years ago and found it was brilliant – it stopped all my PMT, got rid of the melasma (brown skin pigmentation on my face), cleared my acne, and was generally good and side-effect free. It also stopped my periods after a couple of months which I really liked as it meant I didn’t have to worry about sports/camping etc.

    Only downside? Its not available in Australia which is a BUGGER. I’ve just had 9 months on another, older generation Pill, only to find all the above side-effects back with a vengeance, so I’ve stopped taking anything at all.

    So, anyway, I hope you soon feel better – it sounds like the old Pill wasn’t helping you at all, especially at such a difficult time because of your Mum.

    [[[Big hugs]]]


  3. I seem to be the other way round – entirety of teens and early twenties on the Pill, and in any given month my mental health was much the same at the beginning, middle and end of the cycle. Then I came off it in my mid-twenties and suddenly for the first time in my life I got real, identifiable, no-doubt-about-it PMT. Eight days before my period, I’m happy and relaxed. Five days before, I’m a bit of a grouch. Twenty-four hours before, I’m sobbing at adverts and composing ranty emails in my head. Then I reset to happy.

    Hope things settle down for you one way or another.



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