I saw mum yesterday!December 5, 2008
Ok I know that sounds a bit strange, being that she’s not really here any more. I had the afternoon of work and Dad came over to do some Christmas shopping. We had a lovely lunch at Figaros and walked all around town getting things for us and everyone else in the family. I failed to buy any presents at all but it was still lovely to spend some quality time with Dad.
Once we got home and put the bits in his car boot he showed me mum. He picked up her ashes earlier that day from the funeral directors. She was a very large tin. Bigger than we both expected. Think the size of a shop sweety jar. Then he giggled and said she was always a sweetie. It went so much better than I expected and I have a feeling he’s getting there, and learning to get on, on his own. We’re going scattering this Sunday at the place she said she wanted to be. I made a point of asking her what she wanted to do with her ashes when we made my wedding bolero together. Dad is still a bit worried about scattering such a large pile of ashes under a few bushes, and having a bit of privacy in a national trust park whilst we do it. We’ll just have to see how it goes.
I almost expected to dream about mum or have some form of epiphany or thought that may release me from the feeling that I never said goodbye properly. This has not happened at all. IF I have dreamed of mum at all it has been her in the background and not being able to talk to her at all. I doubt I’ll ever get that sort of mental closure via dream or spiritual visitation. I think she’s truly moved on and is happy to do so, not looking back because she did what she wanted and needed to do before she went.
Still I’m feeling better about scattering mum than I thought I would. It seems just right for what mum wanted and done on their wedding anniversary. I’m all for it and hopefully it will help us all move on a little and come to terms with not having her around to talk to. At least I have my sewing machines so I can spend some quality time with her watching me sew, guiding me from my memories, cos this is the way I feel closest to her. I know she’s not really there but as close as I’m going to get. You have to find ways to still include them in your life.